1:47 p.m. - 2007-12-20
Difficult days
Locking myself in my room for a month. Call it spiritual re-awakening, or call it maniac depression. I call it the only time I have to stop my life so I can shape it the way that I want (for once). If you haven't noticed, I've reached rock bottom as far as my depression goes and the way things are going, I'm only going to get worse. This is my Id waking up and reconciling with the superego. I'm going to have to drop out of college, leave home, leave my job, and be alone.....this is for the best. If I stay here another month, I'm afraid I'll snap like I did back in september and really kill myself next time.

I used to love and be loved, I used to have fun and smile. Now every single second of my life is a chore, every single day of my life--I just want to die! My biggest enemies are indecision and fear. I blame no one but myself for my current situation. There is hope though.... there is still an exit besides death. I'm tired of being alone and depressed, sorounded by people that hate me... having memories spinning round and round inside my head... wishing for the past, never moving on. Fuck her and her, and fuck everyone here. I'm fucking sick of this shit. Fuck Christianity, fuck my parents.... fuck religion a million times, and fuck a silent god, fuck me, fuck my depression and my inability to use my talents for my own good, fuck fear, fuck being good, fuck thinking about tomorrow or yerstoday....today is non-existent, oh how I hate today. Fuck listening to the same depressing album for six years straight... Fuck it all.

So I'm going to be in my room meditating (first time in a while) and when I get paid next Thursday, I'll buy The Book of Toth again and re-awaken my true-self (again). I'm getting out, but before I do, I'm going to wake-up. Dear reader, keep me in your thoughts, in your hopes, and if any blessing you may have for me, please give...truth be known, I need all I can get. Thank you and hope I stay strong in these, most difficult of days.