12:34 p.m. - December 24, 2010
Karma Letter 1; LI
Spinning out of control, turning my skin inside-out, I've never cut my arm so deep. In drunken daze, I drove the butcher knife in, and life escaped me for a few moments. Laughter came over me, because at the moment I wanted to die, I saw how funny life really is--the comedy of Pan.
How I got to this point:
You were the first one to catch my eye. I wanted no one but you. It seemed as if you were a million miles away, but really you were closer to me than what I thought. You wanted me more than I wanted you.
When I found out, when you put your heart out on the table, I spit on it and crushed it. I was mister cool, I was "too-good-for you". I was a fool.
Through the years I saw you blossom into a flower that I wanted to eat. I dared to thread and you turned out to be as poisonous as I. All of those years we tried to be together, it never worked out. Then I was gone...

I disintegrated and became something that I never imagined I could be. Alone, in a dark void--or so I thought.

In a moment, unexpected, you showed up. I wasn't ready, I wanted to see you again, when I came out of my dark cloud, when I was mister too-good-for you; instead, you caught me when I was mister suicide. I didn't know how to react because I still hadn't recover from the loss I went through, I wasn't over the fact that you threw me away because I threw you away. I wasn't ready for karma.

I fled deeper into my void. I wanted to end my life. I felt like a failure. I felt like all chances of feeling love were gone completely. I never wanted to go through this again. So I took the butcher knife, and a bottle of vodka. To cut my life and drown the body in a bottle. Oh how it hurt, oh how liberating it was.

I don't remember much from that night, I blacked out. Woke up to an arm bleeding still, and I realized I failed at ending my own life. The idea of you and the idea of love fell back into my mind somewhere, and I moved on. With scars in my arms, I woke up the next day, to see the sun and you, never again.

This is how I felt then. You weren't the one, you weren't any one to suffer for. I hold nothing against you, you were the catalyst of a failed suicide attempt, nothing more.

I release you and myself from these bonds. May you find peace as I have found mine.