12:34 p.m. - 2007-09-12
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Out of nowhere my mind collapsed today, I broke down, and for the first time in 22 years I felt as if I had enough of it all. It was in the middle of some pointless lecture when it all hits me, like shotgun blast to the chest. I'm tired of pretending I'm ok, I'm tired of pretending that I'm above the whole world, cuz quiet frankly, it's lonely up here on the top. At the summit of knowledge, I felt like plunginf head first into the abyss...this to me, allowed me to breath a little again cuz right now it seems like the only way out-quick and painless.

Oh sure I can talk it out, then loose money, and I can through the entire circus everyone has been wiating for; but I'm not going to be their clown. They're not going to parade my name around, while I'm still alive...they can do what they want when I'm dead. Maybe I just need to lay in bed, perhaps this will all go away, though not the fact that my so called"friends" wont be seen with me in public. These are the same ones that are always asking me for advice, the ones that are always wanting to make plans with me, but when I need them, just to talk, they're too busy. FUCK THEM! I've had enough of them, they can eat shit. Fuck everyone, I've had enough.

I just wish, I truely do wish I didn't have to kill myself, I really do, but I can't seem to find another escape. All roads lead to Golgotha I guess; so why go through the motions when it can end with one emotion? No point in dragging it out longer, this is my final end.