10:51 a.m. - Sun enters 19° Pisces, Anno IVxvi
Sometimes I don't even understand what I write, so I have to go back and re-read to follow my thoughts. Well, I thought I'd try to make some sense out all of this mess of a diary and add a commentary so maybe you too can make sense of all this. I regress...
Omegah v1.-Is the revival of my Magickal career. At the same time I was begin to get real depressed. This diary was born out of let downs that seemed to have been one after another.
Ohmegah v2.- My first semester in College. Time of self-reflection and of hatred towards everyone around me. Eventually I turn the hate towards myself...
Ohmegah v3. "En la sombra del valle de muerte"- A month of bulimia, mutilation, and self-reflection. Everything seemed lost, past, present, future, my dorm room was the shadow of the valley of death and if I would've stepped outside of it, I know I would seriously die.
Ohmegah v4."scarstruck"- if I were to change the title of this chapter it would be "the valley of death". Scarstruck was my first character ever created or in other words, scarstruck is the name I use when I get to a certain level of maniac depression in which it amazes me how I come so close to killing myself.
Ohmegah v.5 "Via dolorosa"- The path believed to be taken by the Devil known as Jesus. At this point I was just fed up with everything that had been going in my personal life. Instead of changing or moving out, I stayed and whent back to college, and continued with the job I hate, just dealt with it, and made it through it. For some reason the whole thing of Jesus going to the cross against his own personal will came to mind, and I just whent with it.
Ohmegah v.5.5 "To Cut"- Me cutting out some people and things. Also, me boasting, a sort of new confidence...my tropic.
Ohmegah v.6.66"In the garden of eden (Death trap 3D)- my most beuatiful mess-up ever. I started with a great idea but somewhere along the line I lost sight. Then I saw a connection and it makes sense to me but without one single sentence it all falls apart. So I'll explain it now. Basically it's about waking up in the Garden of eden and seeing that it's all bullshit and trying to get out. And I illustrate using my personal Eden and my own experience with the Serpent. Also me getting serious with Thelema.
Ohmegah v.6.7 "End"- The end in me of Christianity and the growth of Thelema whitin me as my new solid way of life. Also, interchangin anologies between Love and Christianity, as both of them died in me.
Ohmegah v.6.9 "Burial"- The burial of the memory and love of a girl named Koshek. She was my reflection but as I have now learned, my own perception is an illusion and so was she, from all along. Spiritual liberating.
Ohmegah v.7 "Dead Again"- Simply me cleaning house of memories and any other dead weight. At the same time, making Thelema part of my everyday life, thus the thelemic calender. For the first time in years I wrote of myself using other characters...Mary, the lady of the stars, and Father Damian Cristos.
Mary is my spirit being like Pan, and I choose the Name Mary for its my savior and because I wanted the readers to feel the spirit and I though if I said "I" instead of her, they would think I was being full of myself, missing out the point.
Father Damian Cristos, is a perfect illustration of my inner battle that I whent through before and adding some new levels of vileness to illustrate the change in me.
This chapter is about me dying completely and becoming someone else...some poems are me looking back but it's all about moving forward so in the next chapter I wont have to look back.
I hope this has helped the reader some understand this mess does make sense and that my journey up to this point is just like yours and hopefully you can relate and know that there is someone that struggles, just like you.