3:43 a.m. - September 19, 2011
Vacant
I often think about how bad I've fucked up. Tarot cards tell me of what ifs and maybes. I'm left with the truth slipping away in between my hands. I shuffle the deck and I'm lost amidst the the secrets. The truth is that I'm not fully aware of what really drives my decisions, or lack there of.

The smallest things are so difficult for me. What you is see as a walk in the park, I view as a blindfolded walk on the tight rope. Knives and nails await for me at the bottom. It would be so simple if I saw life like all of you, but I don't-- I can't. I'm so afraid of what it might be like if just maybe, I could be unlike me. If I could say all of the things you wished for me to say. Better yet; if I could do what I know wouldn't hurt you. If only my tongue wasn't strewn with razors.

My heart says vacant, despite its occupant. I've checked out and forgot to change the sign. I've just gone in circles with my mistakes. I can't live with myself for letting such good things go. I can't stand that I can't control everything, everyone. I'm working on that, on controlling everyone. Someday. Someway.

Life is an illusion, the winner is he that sees it for what it is first and hits the red buzzer. The creator says that there never was a game or an illusion, just lost souls fighting their death... We've all lost!