1:49 a.m. - February 10, 2012
Damn
I found out that I was never running away from the demons of hell, but from the demons within my own depths. They howl and beckon me to open the floodgates. For there's a crack in my soul, and they rip through it at night, when I am most weak. I let them, for when they pass through, even for that split second, they give a sense of relief. When they are appeased they are silent. No later than when they pass, the howl once more, louder each time. Their screams shake the walls, and the glass in the window breaks. Their yells threaten the very fabric of existence, yet no one else hears them. I am without a god to aid me in this battle, for I created them. I am God, I am Satan. These demons are a part of me, yet they wish to be the whole. This war wages on, despite my efforts to ignore it. Rumblings take shape outside the walls. Busy with everyday life, this war threatens life itself. I've let these demons pass through, rampantly for too long.

Secretly, I care for no one, especially myself. I am gears inside flesh, that turn like a watch that knows not it's own time. If I have no purpose, then there is no war, just the obvious ravaging of my soul. Forgive me, my beloved, for your only sin was to love me unconditionally. I am slave to these demons, and since you did not appease their lust, they command me to end our love. But I did not succumb, I care for you a great deal. Though a demon guards my heart, I still will not end it. Is it selfishness on my part, or do I have hope of redemption? Regardless, the demons tare at my flesh at night, while you sleep. Instead of dreams, I have lacerations which your naked eye cannot see. Only my shame covers them during the day, but the fabric is frail. My darling I am too weak for your love, too wicked for your compassion. I am filth, yet I was betrayed into believing that you were supposed to be blemish free. Damn demons have entered my mind and polluted it. They made me believe that I could never be saved. They told me I would enjoy Hell, but it was a delusion. I have thrown myself into the pits of Hell because of my own sin, that I partake in daily. My sin which holds the door open for these damned. I have but one thing left to do, that is forgive myself. For you have forgiven me in the past, but it did not change a thing. I still entertained the wickedness inside me. My love, if I am permitted to call you that, please forgive a sinner such as I, and have compassion once more, so that I may continue to fight this war.

I fight not for you or me, but because it is right. Other than that, I have no reason for life.