2:21 a.m. - December 10, 2013
Undone
Why do I enjoy hurting myself? I've never truly asked this question. Instead I go in circles, in lines, across and down. I tear myself apart before I even stop to think as to why I do what I do.
Sometimes I'm too tired to go out and buy a new razor. Sometimes its just too late, the store is closed. Then there are times in which I'm in a house full of people and I just get this sudden urge to mutilate. I can't go out, I can't deal with them, because I've got too much shit going on inside of me. I don't even want to star breaking it apart, analyzing it. Instead, I bleed it all out and forget that I even know how to hurt. It's not about the marks or what is inside my veins. No, its more about just doing it to do it. It's just what I do.
I dig deep through my drawers and find a razor. Its been so long since I've been alone to even think about cutting that I grab the first sharp object I find. Then it starts, the pushing of the blade on my wrist. The complexity of the dullness with skin is amusing until the first drop of blood begins to drip. A smile comes over me and that sensation pushes me to forget about how crazy this may seem and just keep sawing away at the flesh.
Its sexual, it has an arousal period and then a climax, through repetitive motion. I stop. I smile. I'm complete, for just a second. As I'm in ecstasy, I look down and start looking for my old blade, my favorite one. I dig deeper and deeper, until I find her--my ex-lover.
Its not like before, its not a love affair. No, she's gotten cold and dull.I can't take her to bed anymore, she's metal. So I run her through my arm but she's dull and metal. I can't bleed red. I've got this urge to bleed all over her but she just can't make it red.
Oh Satan, undo the spell that took her away. Spare not the dead, but bring her edge back from the grave. It is my will, and so it is said, "Here is the bread, here is the blood, bring us through temptation, deliver use from good and evil, that mine is thine, and crown of the kingdom, even now:
ABRAHADABRA!"